Asking Eric: Daughter’s clutter keeps getting her kicked out of apartments

Dear Eric: My 40-year-old daughter and spouse live in an apartment with their children. Both were raised in clean, tidy homes. I know they have always paid the rent on time wherever they live. The issue: they’re both nasty slobs. They’ve been in their current apartment less than six months. Their patio is full of trash, unused plant pots, vacuum cleaner, patio furniture and kids toys, the only unit like this in the whole massive complex. I know the inside is just as bad. In the past I’ve offered to clean up with them, but they were so offended, they wouldn’t communicate for a month because I was judgmental, and then they withheld the children. Every year the landlord won’t renew their lease. Happens every year. They get angry and say they don’t understand why. Don’t landlords issue warnings for fire hazards, pest control? The expense and kids changing schools can’t be easy for them. Is there any way to approach them without raising their ire at me? It’s difficult for me to even look at it (can’t avoid it, it’s a front patio) when I pick up the kids weekly, but we’ve clashed before so I must be extra careful. — Trash Clash Dear Clash: It sounds like they’ve got to learn how to clean up their own mess, literally and proverbially. Your offer of assistance was really kind and, from your telling, did more than just point out the problem. But if something like that is going to raise their hackles to the point of cutting off communication, I fear there’s nothing you can say that won’t prompt a similar conflict. There are two options, then. First, if you believe the mess is harmful to their children, you can reach out to 311 to get them help for their hoarding tendencies. Many fire departments have members trained at intervention. They can pay the apartment a visit. You could also reach out to a social worker, but it doesn’t seem from your letter that you think the children are in danger and so this option might be too extreme. The other path is just letting it be. They obviously have a sensitivity to even the mention of the mess. And, as you wrote, their living habits are impacting their ability to find consistent housing. They could benefit from counseling and coaching around this issue and any emotional underpinnings that might be getting in their way. But they have to be willing, and you may not be the right person to step in. For now, take a step back, reach out to 311, and see if they can help get the ball rolling without implicating you. Dear Eric: I am writing because I don’t know where to start and how to begin getting out of horrible depression. I can’t turn my mind off. I’m afraid of dying and what’s after death. I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life (I’m 54 years old). I go to work and come home, or I’m watching my grandkids (who I just adore). I can’t lose weight. Nothing is positive and/or worth getting out of bed for. I feel so blah, yucky and worthless. Please, where do I start? And how do I start? — Cure for Sadness Dear Cure: I understand how overwhelming this constellation of feelings is. And even making a small start can feel like a huge task. So, don’t be hard on yourself and keep in mind that feeling better is a series of small changes, efforts, trials and practices that can snowball. Related Articles Asking Eric: Friend is shell of himself after relationship Asking Eric: Family thinks brother is too wealthy to be included in tradition Asking Eric: Between affairs and a secret crypto account, wife can’t trust husband anymore Asking Eric: Husband keeps giving wife socks; they remind her of a terrible experience Asking Eric: Yoga teacher follows coworker obsessively Start by talking to your primary care physician. Be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling. Your doctor will be able to use your medical history to inform the discussion about what’s going on now and may have some remedies. Your doctor might prescribe medication or refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you decide if antidepressants are a good option for you and help you find a therapist. Also, be honest with your loved ones about where you are, emotionally, and what you’d like to be different. If, for instance, you want to feel that life is worth getting out of bed for, it may help if a friend volunteers to regularly take you out to brunch. You may not always feel like going to brunch but having something on the calendar and putting one foot in front of the other can help shift the way you feel. You’ve already started, by the way. You reached out and said, “I want this to be different.” While you may feel stuck in your circumstance right now, your letter also shows that you believe change is possible. It absolutely is. Give it time and give yourself grace. (Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)